Grief in Sobriety

I met a gal in a meeting the other day who was sober the same length of time as me. She was one of those people that you instantly like, and would wish for a friend; funny, smart, and a bit self-depreciating. Behind all of that she carried with her an aura of warmth and calm, and an underlying empathy.

This morning when I woke up, I received an e-mail that her brother had died suddenly and unexpectedly yesterday. Throughout my chores this morning, thoughts of grief and how we deal with it in our sobriety have been playing in and out of my mind. I don't really know this gal, or how much loss she has suffered in sobriety, but I do know, for me at least, loss has always shaken my beliefs, and made me reevaluate my faith and what I thought was my understanding of life.

What I have learned, walking through the periods of loss and grief in my sobriety, is that no matter how much I wanted to make the pain go away with a drink or a drug, there is nothing that will make it stay away permanently. That if I drank to drown out my sorrow (and believe me, I thought about it!), in the morning, the person I lost would still be gone, and I would be drunk. I would have given up everything that mattered to me in order to try and momentarily subdue the pain that would inevitably return in spite of my effort.

I have also learned, walking through such deep loss in sobriety, that some pain cannot be taken away, or eased in any way. That each day can be a struggle, as you walk through the various stages of grief. The thing is, you DO walk through them, if only you manage to stay sober. I did. And I learned that no amount of writing, crying, or even sharing with others will fix it. Some wounds you just live with, and only time can scab them over. But they are always there and cannot be fixed by a fourth step or any step.

For me, I just had to feel my pain, day in and day out, not drink, ask God to hold onto me, and get through. And in some ways, I am a different person because of my experience. Not in a bad way. Just in a real way. A way that drinking or drugging would never allow. I never was able to stay stuck in my grief, because my sobriety, and being on auto-pilot with the tools of AA helped me get through to the day when I could think of my lost loved one without a tear, and sometimes even with a smile of fond remembrance.

It does seem impossible that we can walk through such things without resorting to our old ways, but thousands and thousands of us do. With God's love, fellowship in the program, and the solid foundation of our sobriety.